Thursday, May 25, 2006

Violation on HNT

#2 of the sandal oath: I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.


Brass Tacks

I can happily say that Mr. has never had an issue with leaving the toilet seat up. He was already toilet-trained when I got Him, most likely at a very early age by His mother. For this I am very thankful. However, every once in a while, He has a tendency to put the toilet LID down. I have never understood this practice. I am not sure if He is afraid something 'didn't go down' and He doesn't want it exposed to the elements or on display, or if maybe He just accidentally grabbed it with the seat and they both went down together. Regardless, at 5 AM this morning, I was reminded of the valuable toilet lesson my mother taught me at an early age (my dad wasn't quite as toilet trained). That lesson was to LOOK BEFORE YOU SIT. Especially when you've just gotten out of bed, and didn't turn on the bathroom light because HOLY COW there is nothing worse than a cold bathroom floor and a bright bathroom light reflecting off the mirrors at 5 AM when you have to pee. Well, one thing worse and that worse thing would be falling into the toilet because someone left the seat up. Not quite as disturbing, but definitely confusing is to sit down and think "What is that? It is fuzzy. Did I forget to shave? My whole ass is feels warm." only to realize the lid is down and you are sitting on the fuzzy toilet lid cover. Why DO so many women, myself included, insist on those fuzzy toilet lid covers anyway? Is it for situations such as this? It would have been much more startling to sit down on an uncovered cold lid. Yikes! So remember ladies, always look before you sit, even if your man is well trained in that area. You just never know.

There was a scary looking bird perched in the pine tree by my deck all evening. Every once in a while, it would flutter its wings and move to a different branch. The neighbor's cat was very interested these exciting flutters and branch changes, but could not manage to scale our fence for a closer view. I can't figure out if this bird was sick or just young. It was a robin, I think, and it had spots on its chest and belly. Are robins spotted when they are young? It definitely couldn't fly very well, and I could hear more in the tree way up above it. I'm thinking it was old enough to leave the nest, but just didn't want to leave yet. Kind of like a career college student mooching of of his or her parents until the mom or dad or both finally get fed up and throw everything in the kid's bedroom out the front door and yell "Enough! Get a job and GET OUT!" I think that is what the robin sitting on the electric wire near the tree was telling the young bird. And it was telling it a lot, over and over. According to R, it was the DAD robin because it was pretty, and "just like all species, the male is the pretty one." Anyway. I was given a sound piece of advice, that advice being "Don't touch it, it could have the BIRD FLU." Paranoid perhaps, but I don't want to take any chances. I looked back again later in the evening, and it was gone. Hopefully it finally figured out how to fly and wasn't really sick. But again, you just never know.

Using words like "network latency" and "connectivity issues" gets people off of your back when they keep telling you they are getting kicked off the server to which they remotely connect. These are good words to use when you have no fucking clue WHY it is happening.

New glasses on coffee table + nine month old pug that likes to chew on things = not good news

I'm off work next week. I cannot wait.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Pointless Wednesday Rant...

I must resist the urge to make small talk or noise while on the phone waiting to shadow a offsite user. I think it makes me sound nervous, and I dislike when other people do it.

Example: "J? Can you shadow me? I am a big retard and still can't understand the step by step instructions you sent me."

"Sure. Let me log in."

..."do do do do dooooo...."

See? What the hell is that? That is almost as annoying as the sigh. You know, when you are on the phone with someone, and you both are waiting for a reboot or something, and there is that silence? Apparently silence is not permissible on the phone, because one, if not both of you will do the whispered sigh.

"Hold on. Let me restart this."


" haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh....."

Gah! No! Don't do that. ESPECIALLY right into the mouthpiece. It makes it sound like you are in a windstorm.

Of course, the worst is when someone breaths into the mouthpiece. Not just once or twice, because sometimes it's just accidental. But sometimes, people do it constantly. Do they have the damn receiver in their mouth? What the hell? Move the damn thing away from your mouth. It hurts my ears.


Random thought.

I read on the Dilbert blog where Scott Adams was worrying about saying something silly after having a few "Grey Gooses". And immediately my brain thought "Grey Geese?"

Monday, May 15, 2006

Collect all the animals in the world, by twos...

I realized I should have stayed in bed when I got up early, left to get gas (because my gas light was on), pulled into the gas station, and saw that the only available pump had a brown paper bag over it, indicating its out-of-order status.

The weekend was, once again, too short. And now the rain. I don't think it will ever end. I should probably build an ark, but I don't have the money for the wood and nails. It hasn't stopped since Saturday. Maybe even Friday.

I scheduled a week off. The week of Memorial Day. I need the break. I'm not going anywhere though. But hey, it's better than nothing, right?

Oh. I hate rainy Mondays.

They just make me feel sad.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

How much is that baby in the window...

One of the many, many, many things in this crazy world that can totally stress my day is having a bad dream the night before. My dreams are usually very detailed, in color, and I'm watching myself from above about ninety-nine percent of the time. Oh, and they're usually off-the-wall whack. Like this.

Mr. decided we were going to go to the pet store. He wanted a bird. Odd, I thought, because he has always expressed a dislike for pet birds, but hey, it's a dream. We enter the pet store, and in the front is a playpen filled with birds. I guess all their wings were clipped because none of them were flying away.

"What kind of bird do you want?" I asked, thinking he would choose the blue parakeet. Everybody gets parakeets as their first bird. I think because you can flush them when they die. No. That's not right.

"A conure."

"Oh. OK." In the dream, it really WAS a conure, which is funny, because I actually had to google conure to see if I was dreaming about the right bird.

He selects his conure, and we walk to the back of the store to get supplies. A cage, a wheel (?), some birdseed, and a water bottle (??). I have never seen a bird run in a hamster wheel, but I guess they do have funny tongues so a water bottle might not be so crazy.

After making his selections, we make our way back to the front of the store. We are almost to the register when he stops, sets everything on the ground, and says, "Wait. I changed my mind."

He walks back over to the playpen, only now, the playpen is filled with babies instead of birds. He selects a baby boy with blond hair and blue eyes, a little white t-shirt and blue osh-kosh overalls. He had on little white socks with red stripes on them and little Converse-looking shoes. Black. (The shoes, not the baby.)

Returning to the register with his new selection, he places the baby on the counter and the check out lady scans his arm and the price pops up and the cash register beeps. The check out lady proceeds to scan in all of his newly selected items (they just kind of appeared there). A playpen, crib, stroller, clothes, all KINDS of stuff.

"You can't buy a baby at a pet store!!!" I exclaimed.

"Yes I can."

"No! You can't. It's not legal! You said you wanted a bird!"

"I changed my mind."

"But a baby isn't like a bird. Birds die after 10 years (again, ???), babies you have FOREVER!"

"Well, people like me are allowed to buy babies here."

"What do you mean, people like you?"

"You know! Husbands who want to have more kids but their wives won't let them!"

"But you HAVE two kids. You said you didn't want more."

"I changed my mind."

"But..." I sputtered, "It's a BABY. I don't want to take care of a baby. Why can't you just get the bird?"

And then I woke up. And Mr. is so not allowed to go to any pet stores.

No speaka englais...

"The printer downstairs is down for maintenance."

10 minutes later...

"Should I be printing to a different printer?"

Um. Yeah. That's what "down for maintenance means". Next time, I will write step by step instructions, and you still will not get it right. Don't worry, I will clear all the jobs in the queue for the printer that is DOWN for maintenance.

At least my hair is all one color now.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

We'll Paint Happy Little Trees...

I'm no Bob Ross, ok? Wish I was, that guy is all smiles. After a nice lecture from someone about my negativity issues, I have decided to make a list of things that make me feel happy. Baby steps.

And, Mr. Lecturer, for the record, no, I don't enjoy worrying. It sucks. I just don't understand how to stop. Telling me to "just stop" is absolutely no help because worriers like me DON'T KNOW HOW TO JUST STOP. I don't tell you to pee sitting down. So shut up.

So, without further ado, here is my stupid list of things I can think of right now that make me smile.

1. Flowers in the spring. Escpecially tulips. Heh. I said tulips.
2. Puppies. I love puppies. Even if they bite. They smell good.
3. Shopping. Can't really do that so much anymore. But I like to think about going to the mall. Or Barnes & Noble. Or Bed Bath and Beyond. Or Best Buy. Or Pier 1. I should stop.
4. Parties. I like parties. I don't like having parties - they stress me out. But I like going to them. Especially when there is a fire to sit by. There is nothing better than sitting by a fire and drinking some beer with your good friends while exchanging "Do you remember when...?" stories. Except for...
5. Camping. Even better! Because it involves all of number 4, but you are outside when you sleep (fresh air!) and you don't have to worry about messing up someone's house. Yay camping!
6. That hotel room we stayed at in Dundee.
7. Um. crap. I'm out for now. I know there's more. I'll work on it.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Just once...

I'd like to be able to get my hair colored and not have a problem. Last time they couldn't lift the black, even with bleach. Fine. My fault for using box color. No problem. They covered it all with a level 3 (dark brown) and it was fine.

I went back for a retouch, and the girl didn't pull it through to cover where the bleach did work last time. I wasn't going to say anything, but it has been driving me nuts. I can see a lighter ring around my head, about an inch and a half from my scalp down to about 3 inches away from my scalp.

I paid to have my hair retouched, not striped, right? So I was justified in calling and asking them if they could fix it, right? The lady I spoke with was very nice (I was being very nice - I know getting nasty about stuff like that doesn't help) and told me not to worry and that if I can see it then it must be there and they will fix it. So I'm going back tomorrow.

Why am I all stressed out about this? I'm right, right?

Monday, May 08, 2006

Sunny Monday...

Today is one of those days. I can't think rationally. One little thing goes wrong, and I'm in a tailspin. I can't keep it all in, but I can't get it all out. That horrible butterfly feeling won't quit. I'm trying. I can't do it. I can't not think. Worry consumes me, and I can't get away from it. I know it doesn't help. I know it won't make anything better. I make things worse, because I have to vocalize, and nothing I say makes a whole lot of sense. But I can't control it. How can I still be so weak? At this point in my life, I should really have a handle on my emotions. You would think.

You would think.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Dog-headed Pouch-dog...

Determination to succeed at my Avoidance Management program has caused me stumbled upon Stumble Upon. This site is the bomb-diggity when you are bored and can't think of any new web sites to visit. Just install, set your preferences, and start stumbling.

You will dicover things you never knew existed, like the Thylacine, which technically doesn't exist anymore, but HOW EXCITING. If I had lived in the 20's, I would have SO been at the zoo taking pictures. Oh, and this is NOT to be confused the with Tasmanian Devil. I know because I checked.

How did you spend your Friday?

D Pup...

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Let's play a game...

Let's call Cingular and try to remove international service from not one, but three phones.

Then, let's keep track of how many times you get transferred, how many times you have to give your name and the last four digits of your Tax ID number, how many times you are placed on hold, and also the total call time.

So far, 3, 3, 5, 15 minutes.


Wednesday, May 03, 2006

What I think today...

If you come in to work and check your email first thing in the morning, and you read an email about a problem, do not panic and respond to me until you have read through ALL of your emails to make sure it hasn't been resolved. Otherwise you will waste my time telling me something I have already figured out. I dislike when I have to respond to you telling you to see my next message.

If you don't know me, and you sit down next to me in a public place, and you start telling me how you are a reiki master and prescription medications are ALL BAD and homeopathy has been around for thousands of years and gluten is evil and your son had ADD until you made him eat grain bread instead of wheat and he ISN'T EVEN EVER TIRED ANYMORE AFTER LUNCH (!!) and your husband is NEVER in a bad mood anymore because he eats the grain too, well, I AM going to think you are a flake. Not a corn flake, because, you know, corn is contaminated, but a grain flake, at least. Please. How about a nice cup of shut the fuck up?

If you break up with your girlfriend, and you get a brand new girlfriend, it is not your business anymore what your old girlfriend is doing. Ever. At all. You should not send her anymore text messages. You should not tell her to quit being "googly-eyed" with the new person she is dating. You should not tell her it is too soon for her to love someone else. Especially if you had the new girlfriend BEFORE you disposed of your old girlfriend AND you also do all of the above in front of your old girlfriend. It's the pot calling the kettle black, my friend, and you should never, ever do that. Oh, and by the way, your friends are starting to think you are a really big jerk. So knock it off. Crybaby.