Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Tiddie Bitties...

R has scolded me for not blogging. I'm sorry. I can't blog at work and once I am home I lose the mood. Maybe if my computer was upstairs *ahem* instead of in the icky basement...

So all you are getting today is a few tid bits of stuff in my head.


We did a scene Sunday night which involved a cat-of-nines, a video camera, and battery operated, um, utensils. It didn't go how I pictured in my mind. I was a bit disappointed. Not physically, but emotionally. Something was off. Maybe I'm just off. There hasn't been much, shall we say, "domming" going on lately. I don't really like to be let loose for so long. I need the direction. Otherwise I get lost. I felt kind of separated afterwards. Guess it just didn't end the way I wanted it to. But that happens, I suppose. Try, try again.


I heard about this site on the news that lets married people place personal ads for other married people. A cheating-spouses-personals site. R and I were printing some vacation pictures last night, and while we were waiting I was poking around the net and stumbled onto it. Next thing you know, I am creating an account to see if we can find anyone we know on there. It was a bit disappointing, the people on there are VERY dicreet. I suppose if yuo are a cheating spouse you have to be. I wouldn't know.

When you sign up, you have to provide an email address. So I created a yahoo address and today had over 10 people email me. My god. I posted no picture, just my age and different, um, interests. I didn't lie about any of it, except for the fact that I am doing all that stuff WITH MY HUSBAND and not someone else's.

You can chat with these people. While I was on, three people tried to contact me. I don't understand. I had been logged on less than 1 hour, and there they were. Can their lives be that miserable? Do they just like the not-quite-cheating they can do via the internet? One guy even gave me his phone number. His phone number! So I can call and we can "meet for drinks or more."

Um, hold on. Lemme go as my husband. Yikes!

I don't think my account will remain active for much longer.


Saturday is our reception. I suppose it will be fun, but something is sure to go wrong. Like, for instance, the fact that my family will be there. OH! Did I say that? I mean, I love my family, but they are so completely opposite of me, and our friends, who make up most of the guest list. I cannot be myself in front of my family. They are much too judgmental. R does not understand this and thinks I should just do what I normally do and act how I normally act.

Meaning he thinks that if I want to drink I should drink, but HELLO, my mom doesn't drink and only the spawns of Satan drink alcohol and OH MY GOD SMOKE CIGARETTES! How can you look at yourself in the morning knowing what you do? I don't care how old you are! I will continue to make you feel like an irresponsible 14 year old until THE DAY I DIE.

And that's just my mom. My brother is a whole different story. At 25, he's still all about "Mom, do you know what my sister did?" Seriously.

And next thing you know I'm crying and feeling like a huge disappointment and wanting to run away and hide under a rock until they all are far, far away from me.

Yeah. Should be fun.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Welcome Back Sturgis Riders...

I'm back. I'm now Mrs. R.

Here are some things I learned on our vacation/wedding/honeymoon trip.

1. Sturgis is really, really cool.
2. There are lots of boobies to look at.
3. I like to say husband. It makes me all giggly. Husband. Husband. Husband. Husband. tee hee hee.
4. Consumating a marriage outside between two RV's in a home made wooden camp chair at 3 in the morning can cause severe mental anguish to those who catch you in the act. Sorry 'bout that.
5. Do not touch your leg to the tailpipe of a Harley that has just been shut off. When you are wearing shorts. ouch
6. If your bike breaks down, you can still have lots of fun.
7. Jack Daniels is good.
8. Deadwood is almost as cool looking as it is on the show.
9. Bear Butte is not pronounced Bear Butt.
10. Playing in the Pecker Pond can get you a really cool prize. (I've always wanted a silver bullet)
11. The mechanical bull will bruise your legs even if they go really, really slow because you took your top off.

I'm sure there are more, but I forget now.

More details to come. Hopefully. By now you all know I'm not so good at following up with a story.

Like the sex club story. Ooooooooooooooh....What did happen....Stay tuned...

I may have time this weekend.

Friday, August 05, 2005

A Picture Share!

Sturgis bound

Monday, August 01, 2005

A Picture Share!

Z-dog at xmas 2004

Z Dog

Originally uploaded by JaG27z.
See why I am so sad? She is so sweet. This isn't the best picture - I had to scan it. You probably can't see but she has snow on her back. She loves the snow.

The black cloud that follows me...

I am very sad today.

Saturday, I took my doggie to the vet. She needed a toenail trim. Last week, she started limping on her left front leg. Her ankle was a little swollen. I thought perhaps she sprained it, or worst case scenario, tore a ligament. I asked the doctor to look at it for me.

He pushed and poked and pulled on her leg, and said she would need an x-ray. They took her in the back and said they would trim her toenail while doing the x-ray.

So they left with my Z-dog. Do you ever get a feeling of doom? I'm a pretty negative person, so I get them a lot. But usually I can shake them and tell myself I am simply being pessimistic. This time I could not shake the feeling. Something was WRONG. I just knew it.

So we sat and waited, R and I, and finally they brought my fuzzy dog back in. Her toenails were all short and pretty.

The doctor had the x-rays. He put them up on his little white light up board, and immediately I knew something was wrong. It wasn't broken, but it wasn't right either.

He turned of the lights and started talking. I immediately glazed over, as one of the first words I heard was "tumor". Fortunately R is much better in a bad situation than I am, and he heard all the important details. The only other words I heard were "carcinoma", "four months to live", "amputation", and "keep her comfortable."

I am not going to amputate my dog's leg. I refuse to subject her to chemotherapy. I don't care if they say that dogs usually handle it better than humans. I am not subjecting her to radiation either. They way it was explained to me, after my brain crashed and rebooted and I was able to process data again, is that once the cancer is noticed, it has usually already started to spread to other organs, such as the lungs. Amputation, radiation and chemotherapy may only give her 10 more months. I don't want a miserable dog for 10 more months. Right now I have a happy dog who doesn't know she is sick.

She has a limp, obviously her leg is sore. But they gave her Rimadyl and it seems to be helping. If her limp isn't much improved in a couple days, they will change her pain medication.

I feel horrible because we are getting married next week and I am supposed to be happy, but how can I be happy when my dog is dying? The doctor said she should be fine for a couple more months, and she will be fine at the kennel. She likes the kennel, she likes the lady that owns it. And like I said, she doesn't KNOW she is dying.

But the guilt. It is horrible. There is nothing I could have done to prevent this. Am I doing the right thing by not treating her and just keeping her comfortable. The poor thing, she just turned 6. But really, who is more upset about this? Me. She doesn't know she is sick. She doesn't know she won't turn 7. She doesn't even know she is 6. My whole problem is humanizing the dog.

As long as she is happy and seems to feel good, keeps eating and drinking and going potty outside, then I will assume she is ok. If she stops eating or drinking, I know she has a problem and it will be time for her to go. I know if she seems to have a hard time breathing, then the damn cancer has metastasized and she needs to be let go.

I don't think I can be in there when they do it. But I don't want to leave her when they do it either. This just really stinks. It's not fair. She is such a good dog. I feel so sad.

I'm going to try not to cry anymore.

I will try to get some pictures up here to show you what a cute fuzzy dog she is and why I am so sad.

I will miss her. She was my best friend for a long time.

But not long enough.