You are now free to move about the country...

I think I need a vacation. Just some time off, to regroup, to remind myself that there are things in life to look forward to. To remind me that I am not experiencing a meaningless existence.

I worry about regrets. One day, when I'm old and wrinkly and gray, I will tell my grandchildren - (Oh wait, I don't have children to produce grandchildren - there's that damn meaningless thing creeping up on me again) I will tell my great niece and nephew (I think I will have that) to make sure they spend more time doing what they enjoy and less time doing what they think they have to.

I was stuck in such horrible traffic on my way home a couple nights ago, it took me almost an hour to get home when it normally takes me about 15 minutes. I remember thinking how bad it sucked, being stuck in a traffic jam on a highway I didn't want to be on in the first place, because I was on my way home from somewhere I hate spending so much time and energy on. I was thinking, what can I do about this? And the answer I thought of and the answer everyone will say is "Find something you like to do and do it."

Easier said than done. Do people who say that honestly know how difficult that is to do? I doubt it. A lot of them have skated through life so far, growing up with a rich mommy and daddy to take care of everything for them. Or they married someone who can take care of them. Or they divorced someone who is now obligated by law to support them for life. (WTF? Seriously. I got jack in my divorce. I had to pay that bastard off. And he left me. I still haven't recovered financially.)

I know, there are a lot of people that scratched and clawed and made it up the big it's-the-American-way-of-life-ladder. Had nothing to start and made something of themselves, and now they are livin' on easy street with their 2.5 kids a dog and white picket fence. Good for them. They figured it out. That won't ever be me. I know that is my fault. I will be stuck where I am right now, forever, because I don't have the drive, or the ambition, or whatever the fuck it takes to make it there.

I hate working. Maybe, if I could do something I truly enjoyed, something that made me smile when I did it, maybe then I wouldn't hate working. But I will never know. Because I have bills to pay and can't "start fresh". I can't say "Hey! I really like doing XXX. I am going to do that for a living. Whee! I'm so happy." I can't afford to go back to school. I couldn't afford it in the first place, that's why I never finished. (Here's a big you-better-realize-how-god-damn-lucky-you-are to all the college kids out there whose parent are paying for that shit.) I wouldn't really want to go back anyway. The things I would learn if I went back would end up driving me right back to corporate America.

I don't want to be Corporate America. I hate the attitudes, the back-stabbing, the general grumpiness, because let's face it, the majority of the others don't want to be here either. But the ones that do want to be here? Look out for them. They're the ones with their shiny Lexuses, or BMWs, or whatevers, and they think they are just the fucking cat's meow, and you are a piece of shit. What do you MEAN you don't wake up every day with a big fucking smile on your face and fly out of bed and drive to work singing Hi Ho Hi Ho It's off to work I go? Yeah those people. I hate those people.

I don't want to wear heels. I don't want to "dress to impress" in a suit that is not trendy, but classic, with a collared blouse and nylons that match my skin color. (Lucky for me that isn't a problem yet - a positive aspect of my job is the relaxed dress code) I don't want to sit on my ass for at least 8 hours a day, straining my eyes with not one, but TWO monitors. At a desk that isn't even a desk, it's a motherfucking table, that is SO not the right height to be ergonomically correct, and YES it makes my back and shoulders ache. I don't want to sit in a room with no window, and get phone calls from people who ACTUALLY GET TO SEE DAYLIGHT and have them tell me how beautiful it is outside. I don't want my thermostat locked between 68 and 73, which, yes, SHOULd be a good average temperature, but for some reason always makes the room too hot or too cold and never comfortable.

Quit whining, right? DO something about it, right? Check the classifieds, put my resume on monster.com, check careetbuilder.com, right? But I don't want to do any of the things that my resume says I know how to do. I. AM. BURNED. OUT. Completely sick and absolutely fucking tired of people complaining to me. This doesn't work, that doesn't work, when is it going to be fixed, why aren't you done yet? HEY! I didn't break it OK? Technology? Not so perfect. If it was, I wouldn't have a job at all. (Ah-ha! I just have to get rid of technology. That's all. Problem solved.) I'm trying ok? Really. But I don't know why this broke, or why that locked up, or why that crashed without looking at it and you ranting about HOW MUCH MONEY WE ARE LOSING EVERY MINUTE THIS IS DOWN or IF OUR CLIENTS CAN'T GET THROUGH THEY WILL TAKE THEIR BUSINESS ELSEWHERE AND WE WILL ALL STARVE TO DEATH AND THE VULTURES WILL PICK OUT OUR EYEBALLS WITH THEIR BEAKS does not help. At all. Because I need to concentrate and you are SO not letting that happen when you ask me every 3 minutes IS IT FIXED YET? WHEN WILL IT BE FIXED? WHY ISN'T IT FIXED YET?

I'M TRYING! SHUT UP!

Whew. So yeah. I think I might need a vacation. Or Prozac. Or just swift kick in the ass and someone to say "Hey. Asshole. We all have to deal with this shit and everyone else does it, why can't you?"

I don't know.

Why can't I?

BlogPatrol???

Totally doesn't work anymore, or something...

I wonder...

Will I ever stop feeling like I'm not the first choice?

Will I ever stop getting the butterflies? The feeling that makes my heart beat out of rhythm, and I have to take deep, shaky breaths to fix it?

Like the little girl in gym class who was always chosen last.

I am still that little girl.

I will always be that little girl.

Road Trip...

I'm going here this weekend. Yay!

He makes you do what???

I think the dynamics of my relationship with Mr. R are more obvious then I originally thought. Within the last week, I have had two conversations with two different people about it. It's funny to me that people notice.

Last night went something like this, when Mr. R was driving us and a friend home, in the truck.

NY D: Do you always sit in the middle?
Me: Yep.
NY D: Why?
Me: Because that's the rule.
NY D: ??? (confused look)
NY D: So you always sit there? Even when there is nobody else in the truck?
Me: Yep.
NY D: Huh...

I do. I remember when I first starting dating Mr. R. He had a blue truck with a bench seat. I think I sat in the passenger seat twice. Then He told me to sit in the middle. And I have been ever since. I don't even use the passenger door. I get in on His side, and out on His side. I hate when we take my jeep somewhere, because I feel odd not being able to sit next to Him. And I NEVER drive when it's the two of us.

I suppose that might seem odd to some people.

Then last Friday (OH! Last Friday! Downtown! For the parade! Fun! Whole other story!) we were riding back to our stomping ground with KT's boyfriend. (He generously offered to retrieve 4 intoxicated females from the St. Patty's Day festivities.) T was upset about her ex being a jerk and generally mad about men in general and then she turned to me.

T: You know, sometimes Mr. R makes me mad.
Me: Really? Why?
T: He's so bossy. He tells you what to do, and you just do it.
Me: Well, if He was telling me to do something I didn't want to do, I wouldn't do it.
T: But he's so CONTROLLING.
Me: Some women like to be controlled, T.
T: Yeah, but...oh....OH.
Me: Yeah.
T: Nevemind then. I didn't realize...
Me: It's ok. Most people don't.

But those conversations got me to thinking. If they notice, then other people notice. And if they think I'm being forced to do things I don't want to do, then other people might think that. I wonder if people are thinking, "Oh, poor jAG. Mr. R. is so mean to her." Or maybe they think I'm an abused wife. Or that I'm unhappy and just don't know how to get away from Him.

And that is funny to me, because I sit and analyze other people's relationships. And I'm usually thinking that both people are trying way too hard to be in control, and it's throwing everything all off balance. You can't have two people in charge. You just can't. It doesn't matter if it's the man or the woman, but it just can't be both.

But seriously, I don't think anyone we know has the same kind of relationship. And they just don't get it.

Too bad for them.

It's like this and that and like this and uh...

If you ever lose a wallet, let me know and I will send D-pup over. First, cancel all of your credit cards, get a new license and worry about who found it. Then give her about 2 months, have a few drinks, and the next thing you know she will be on your bed chewing on it. There will even be some dollars in it. But she won't tell you where she found it.

Girls don't like it when you kiss the guy they are interested in. Whether you are married or not. They WILL give you the stink eye. Poo on them, I'm no threat, he's my friend and I'm touchy-feely.

I got a spanky. Yay! (I should NOT crack my knuckles. Mr. HATES that.) Oh, but it has been SO long and it hurt SO good. That stinging kind that makes your breath catch in your throat. I subbed out immediately. That hasn't happened it a long while. I had forgotten how peaceful it is.

And AND AND I have to put my collar back on. When I get home anyway, I don't think I should wear it to work. Do you even know how long it has been for that? DO YOU? Do you even know how excited I am about that? No! You don't! But I am! So! Happy! About it!

And, (I don't think you are supposed to start sentences with And) if you don't understand...well I'm sorry. But I don't care. Because it makes me feel so good. Like I don't have to worry anymore. It's so nice.

TTFN and HHNT.

Today...

I do not feel OK.

Today, I want to be over.

It is in my head pounding, screaming to get out.

All the things I can't say.

I want to be home, in the dark, and I want to crawl in His lap and have Him stroke my hair and tell me everything will be fine.

That would make me feel OK.

It is a Rumor

Defamer, the L.A. Gossip Rag: Debunker: Will Ferrell Not Dead In Paragliding Accident

Phew.

Rumor has it...

That Will Ferrell died in a para-gliding accident yesterday. Says Mr. R, who is listening to Bubba the Love Sponge, so how much more reliable can you get?

Seriously though, I can't find anything online about it.

I hope it is not true. He's a funny, funny guy.

Can I trust you...

If, perhaps, I gave you my blog address last night, and maybe was a little intoxicated when I did so, I would hope that you would keep it to yourself. K?

Irritations as of late...

The phrase "on the bubble".

When ppl use shorthand 2 send txt msgs 2 u.

Anything considered "Corporate America".

People with very loud "inside voices" who seem to think that everyone within a five-mile radius cares to hear what they are talking about.

The phrase "inside voice".

Those stupid cards you have to use everywhere to collect points to save money, get a free pop, get ten cents off your next purchase, whatever the fuck. Why can't they not make those stupid little cards and then lower prices because of all the money they will save not making the stupid little cards?

People who aren't AT ALL disturbed over what just happened in South Dakota.

PMS.

Men who think PMS is not real. This really makes me want to hurt them. Because I have it. Now.

Ridiculous...

There are too many things I have to do during the day that are inconsequential.

I feel like I am wasting too much of my life.

Spam can be funny...

Especially on a Friday morning, when you are all ready for the weekend, even though it will be spent painting the kitchen.

Read:

She wants a better sex? All you need's here!
Cheapest medications based LICENSED online phartmacy!

pharTmacy

That just sounds silly. And I'm not quite sure that the whole sentence even makes sense...

;)