Friday, March 31, 2006

You are now free to move about the country...

I think I need a vacation. Just some time off, to regroup, to remind myself that there are things in life to look forward to. To remind me that I am not experiencing a meaningless existence.

I worry about regrets. One day, when I'm old and wrinkly and gray, I will tell my grandchildren - (Oh wait, I don't have children to produce grandchildren - there's that damn meaningless thing creeping up on me again) I will tell my great niece and nephew (I think I will have that) to make sure they spend more time doing what they enjoy and less time doing what they think they have to.

I was stuck in such horrible traffic on my way home a couple nights ago, it took me almost an hour to get home when it normally takes me about 15 minutes. I remember thinking how bad it sucked, being stuck in a traffic jam on a highway I didn't want to be on in the first place, because I was on my way home from somewhere I hate spending so much time and energy on. I was thinking, what can I do about this? And the answer I thought of and the answer everyone will say is "Find something you like to do and do it."

Easier said than done. Do people who say that honestly know how difficult that is to do? I doubt it. A lot of them have skated through life so far, growing up with a rich mommy and daddy to take care of everything for them. Or they married someone who can take care of them. Or they divorced someone who is now obligated by law to support them for life. (WTF? Seriously. I got jack in my divorce. I had to pay that bastard off. And he left me. I still haven't recovered financially.)

I know, there are a lot of people that scratched and clawed and made it up the big it's-the-American-way-of-life-ladder. Had nothing to start and made something of themselves, and now they are livin' on easy street with their 2.5 kids a dog and white picket fence. Good for them. They figured it out. That won't ever be me. I know that is my fault. I will be stuck where I am right now, forever, because I don't have the drive, or the ambition, or whatever the fuck it takes to make it there.

I hate working. Maybe, if I could do something I truly enjoyed, something that made me smile when I did it, maybe then I wouldn't hate working. But I will never know. Because I have bills to pay and can't "start fresh". I can't say "Hey! I really like doing XXX. I am going to do that for a living. Whee! I'm so happy." I can't afford to go back to school. I couldn't afford it in the first place, that's why I never finished. (Here's a big you-better-realize-how-god-damn-lucky-you-are to all the college kids out there whose parent are paying for that shit.) I wouldn't really want to go back anyway. The things I would learn if I went back would end up driving me right back to corporate America.

I don't want to be Corporate America. I hate the attitudes, the back-stabbing, the general grumpiness, because let's face it, the majority of the others don't want to be here either. But the ones that do want to be here? Look out for them. They're the ones with their shiny Lexuses, or BMWs, or whatevers, and they think they are just the fucking cat's meow, and you are a piece of shit. What do you MEAN you don't wake up every day with a big fucking smile on your face and fly out of bed and drive to work singing Hi Ho Hi Ho It's off to work I go? Yeah those people. I hate those people.

I don't want to wear heels. I don't want to "dress to impress" in a suit that is not trendy, but classic, with a collared blouse and nylons that match my skin color. (Lucky for me that isn't a problem yet - a positive aspect of my job is the relaxed dress code) I don't want to sit on my ass for at least 8 hours a day, straining my eyes with not one, but TWO monitors. At a desk that isn't even a desk, it's a motherfucking table, that is SO not the right height to be ergonomically correct, and YES it makes my back and shoulders ache. I don't want to sit in a room with no window, and get phone calls from people who ACTUALLY GET TO SEE DAYLIGHT and have them tell me how beautiful it is outside. I don't want my thermostat locked between 68 and 73, which, yes, SHOULd be a good average temperature, but for some reason always makes the room too hot or too cold and never comfortable.

Quit whining, right? DO something about it, right? Check the classifieds, put my resume on, check, right? But I don't want to do any of the things that my resume says I know how to do. I. AM. BURNED. OUT. Completely sick and absolutely fucking tired of people complaining to me. This doesn't work, that doesn't work, when is it going to be fixed, why aren't you done yet? HEY! I didn't break it OK? Technology? Not so perfect. If it was, I wouldn't have a job at all. (Ah-ha! I just have to get rid of technology. That's all. Problem solved.) I'm trying ok? Really. But I don't know why this broke, or why that locked up, or why that crashed without looking at it and you ranting about HOW MUCH MONEY WE ARE LOSING EVERY MINUTE THIS IS DOWN or IF OUR CLIENTS CAN'T GET THROUGH THEY WILL TAKE THEIR BUSINESS ELSEWHERE AND WE WILL ALL STARVE TO DEATH AND THE VULTURES WILL PICK OUT OUR EYEBALLS WITH THEIR BEAKS does not help. At all. Because I need to concentrate and you are SO not letting that happen when you ask me every 3 minutes IS IT FIXED YET? WHEN WILL IT BE FIXED? WHY ISN'T IT FIXED YET?


Whew. So yeah. I think I might need a vacation. Or Prozac. Or just swift kick in the ass and someone to say "Hey. Asshole. We all have to deal with this shit and everyone else does it, why can't you?"

I don't know.

Why can't I?


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