Thursday, October 28, 2004

The gift

RSS is cool. Thanks to evilsciencechick, I understand the point of it now and love it! For all of you still using IE, I highly recommend Mozilla Firefox. Very cool. And free.

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I left work early on Tuesday. I think I had a touch of the flu or something. Achy, headache, scratchy throat. So I pretty much just slept the rest of the afternoon and night. Sorry R. Boring night for You. Wednesday, I thought I felt a little better, but as the day wore on, the aches and headache came back. I snoozed again off and on for the evening. R woke me periodically to check out the way cool lunar eclipse. Hope ya'll got to sneak a peak at it.

At one point I was dozing on the couch while R watched the last game of the World Series. I apologized for being sick. He asked why I was apologizing. I told Him because He didn't get any from me on Tuesday, and I thought I'd be better Wednesday but I wasn't. He said if He wanted it He'd just take it. That made me smile. He said He was actually getting ready to take it in a few minutes, but He didn't. He let me sleep. I owe Him now. Today I feel much better, thanks. :)

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Tuesday, we were eating dinner (during the couple of hours I stayed awake because I was afraid I wouldn't sleep through the night if I didn't). I was chattering on about something and He starting pointing to His neck with this look on His face that told me I did something wrong.

"What?" I asked.

"Where is your collar?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I can't really sleep with it on." That's right boys and girls. The gift I was to receive from Him was a collar. A training collar as He said. A black studded leather collar. I'll give you a minute to get over your shock.

Everybody OK?

Really, the idea of a collar, for me, is quite exciting. I have expressed how I want Him to control me. And I don't mean in a degrading, "women are worthless" kind of way. Dare I say, that Man worships me. He loves me deeply. And I feel the same. And the thought of wearing a collar He presented to me is very important. Much like a wedding ring, to me it is a sign of great commitment.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have nothing against marriage. The thought of marrying Him someday still thrills me. But for a long time I was dead-set against remarrying. After my divorce, I was left with quite a bitter taste in my mouth from it. It is too easy for marriages to end. Of course, now, I realize that it makes a big difference when you are with someone you click with. I never had that. Ever.

He felt the same way, too. Our friends would always ask us when we were getting married, and we would both vigorously shake our heads "no". That was the divorce bitterness in both of us. He said for a long time He wouldn't marry again either. Which was fine with me at the time.

But after we spent more and more time together, the issue came up and He said "I do intend to marry you someday". Of course that was after a night of drinking, so I confronted Him the next day while we were IM-ing each other. I told Him not to bring things up that He may not mean. He said He meant everything He said. I even made Him say it again to make sure He knew exactly what I was talking about. I thought I was going to cry. Actually, I did tear up, but I was at work and had to compose myself.

But until that day comes, I am perfectly content to wear my collar. Of course, I don't wear it to work - way too many nosy people. I did wear it Saturday, and only two people noticed it, but didn't think twice about it. I have always been kind of what some people would call a freak, with the way I dress and the accessories I choose to wear. I'm sure I could wear the collar around my family and nobody would think twice about it. They are used to what I wear.

There is a big joke up at *Our Favorite Bar*. The new owner, who, coincidentally, is our friend NY, told me I needed to be retrained. I took great offense to that and threatened to quit. I bartended there when he was just a customer, and he had no problems with me then. Anyway, ever since then, the joke when I goof something up is that I need to be retrained.

Sunday, we were there to watch the game, and I went behind the bar to help NY when he was in the back cooking. Our friend WestSide said something, and R said, "That's right, she's being retrained."

WestSide said, "I see that collar."

R and I just grinned.

So anyway, I know there are many people out there who may not understand the dynamics of our relationship. All I can say is, it is working for us so far, and as long as it does I intend to run with it. I have never felt so safe and protected. The only issue I have is the feeling of insecurity I have when I am not with Him. I have been insecure my whole life. I just have to keep working on that. And wearing my collar when He is not with me helps. It reminds me that there is someone there to protect me.

After dinner, I put my collar on. I thanked Him for wanting me to wear it. I know it isn't just a game now, that it means what I hoped it meant. Then I fell asleep on the couch. Guess I can sleep with it on. He woke me up to go to bed. He took my collar off me and we went to sleep.

I love Him.

4 Comments:

Blogger evilsciencechick said...

don't think I could do the collar, but it's pretty darned cool that you can! you two seem to have a GREAT relationship. sounds like both of you went through a lot of shit to get where you are now.

icky flu. hope you feel better soon! (then give it to him GOOD!!)

11:38 AM  
Blogger Patrick H. said...

Hey, congratulations on the collar, darlin'. And thanks for the link to my page. May I also put in a link to yours from my blogs?

--P--

3:24 PM  
Blogger j said...

ESC - I do feel better, and you know I will. (Actually, I did last night - I love the look on his face that says I am that damn good)

P - Absolutely! Please do!

3:37 PM  
Blogger evilsciencechick said...

don't you just love it when their eyes roll back in their heads? and you think "oh yeah, you're welcome."

bwaha!

6:32 PM  

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