Thursday, October 07, 2004

You don't know who this is....

4:24 PM. Friday.

My phone rings at work. I answer, noticing that the caller ID says "Unknown". I hate that. But I figure it is CC calling to see if I am still going with her when she gets her tattoo.


*Man's voice* "Hello. Are you allowed to get personal phone calls at work?"

"Umm, yeah, as long as I don't talk too long." Who the fuck is this?

"You probably don't know who this is. It has been a while since I've talked to you." OK, rules out a telemarketer. "Before I tell you who this is, I have to tell you how I got your number. I clean offices and I saw your picture with your phone number so I took it. Then I saw a picture of one of my in-laws on the list too. So you can't let anyone know you are talking to me or how I got your number because it's against company policy for me to do something like this."

At first I couldn't figure out what the heck he was talking about. Why would my picture and phone number be in somebody's office? Then I remembered we have these customer service directories at work that we send to all of our clients, and this is another good reason to hate them. They have our picture, name, title, phone number and extenstion on them. So now, not only do our customers know what we look like and to get a hold of us, so does anyone who sees this directory. Including the cleaning crew.

I still didn't know who it was, but the voice did sound familiar. I was racking my brain trying to place the voice, as he rambled on nervously about owning half of a cleaning company and he could get in a lot of trouble for doing this, blah, blah, blah. I was trying to remember someone from my past who would say something sketchy like this.

Then it hit me.

"OK, I'm going to say 2 initials and you're going to tell me if I'm right or not."


As always, names are changed to protect me. I don't really care about anybody else.





"Joe Blow. What is up?" Now I said that in a totally calm, almost irritated way. I'm sure it wasn't the 'Oh-my-gosh-I-can't-believe-it's-you-after-all-this-time' reaction he was going for, because he sounded a little hurt.

"Well, I hope you aren't mad that I called. I just couldn't believe it when I saw your picture and I know I shouldn't have taken it but I really wanted to talk to you and I didn't think you'd get upset."

"Well, lucky for you, I'm still pretty cool."

"Then I couldn't believe it when I turned the paper over and saw my in-law on there. So you can't say anything."

Why would he be so worried about getting caught calling an old friend. Hmm. Maybe because he was always a slimeball with an ulterior motive? Like sleeping with me back when I was a naive teenager, and then never talking to me again? At least, not until I was involved in another relationship...or just coming out of one.

"So who is this person that can't know, and how are you related?"

"J.E. She is friends with T.R. in your office who is also friends with my sister. J.E. is my wife's brother's-in-law sister-in-law." Or something like that. It didn't really sound like a close relation, but whatever."And they are always trying to convince my wife that I am cheating on her."

"Really. How shocking."

"So don't say anything."

"OK. Whatever."

"So, how have you been, whatcha been up to?"

Uh-huh. "Divorced since the last time you saw me." Jackass.

"Really?" Yeah. As if you didn't know that and it has nothing to do with the reason you are calling.


"So what else, what do you do in your spare time?"

"Work as a barmaid on the weekends, at *My Favorite Bar*."

"Oh really? I used to go there all the time!" Yeah. I bet you did. "So what else? What do you do for fun."

"Ride. Motorcycles."

"Really, you have a motorcycle?"

"Yes. But I'm selling it. I usually ride my Boyfriend's fatboy now, if I'm not riding with Him."

"Oh." What's a matter? Caught you off guard with the boyfriend statement?

He then proceeded to ramble on again, about his motorcycle (crotch rocket - should have known) and his cleaning business and how he's married with a 3 year old girl and a son on the way, and how he needs to settle down and will probably sell the bike. I proceeded to throw in little digs about having to drive too fast (because he always did) and how he was the last person I ever expected to get married and have kids, especially in that order, and that he should sell the bike and get a minivan with a soccerball sticker in the back window.

He said that just because he was wild and crazy in his younger days, and did some stupid things, that didn't mean he couldn't change.

Right. And why were you calling again? And why does it have to be a secret?

"So, do you want to go to lunch sometime? I'm off during the day because I clean at night."

How convenient. Unfortunately, this is when I lost my cool. Any smart ass comments I had for him were gone. I couldn't just say no.

Why not? I didn't owe him anything. I shouldn't feel the need to be nice to him. He should be saying to me, hey I'm really sorry for letting you think I was a nice guy back then and for fucking you and making you leave right afterwards and then never calling you again until I thought you were having problems with your new boyfriend. And then "running" into you a few years later, right before you got married and then again, a few years after that.

I must have hesitated for too long, because he said, "Tell you what. I'll give you my cell phone number, and if you want to go to lunch sometime, call me."

I took his phone number. I had no intention of ever going to lunch with him. I did want his number for caller ID purposes.

And I did tell him that if he wants to see me, he should stop into *My Favorite Bar* when I am working. I'd like to see his face when I introduce him to Boyfriend.



I called Boyfriend, who was still working, and told Him this story. He doesn't know Joe Blow. I think I have only mentioned him a few times. I was laughing, in shock a little, saying, "you are not going to believe this one." As soon as I got to the part about him asking me to lunch, He interrupted.

"You said no, right???"

"Well, no."

"What? You are NOT going to lunch with him."

"I know."

"So why didn't you tell him no?"

"I told him if he wanted to see me he could come up to *Our Favorite Bar* and see me."

"No. He better not."

"Why not? I'd like for him to meet you."

"I don't think so."

"C'mon, it'll be funny. You might like him."

"I don't think so."

He sure was jealous about the whole thing. With absolutely no reason to be.


My mother, on the other hand, found the story as amusing as I did. I think we said "What a schmuck", simultaneously, more than once, and had quite a laugh over what a fool he is. She knew him. I neglected to remind her that, back then, she though he was a great guy too, just the way she thought my ex-husband was a great guy. But I didn't, because it doesn't matter. I have learned to trust my judgment, not hers. She did allow me an ego boost, though, by saying that guys always realize how cool I am once they dump me and then they want me back. I am pretty damn cool as far as girlfriends go.


A little while later I talked to Him again on the phone. At some point He mentioned something about this guy wanting to fuck me.

You think? I'm a girl, yes, but not quite as naive as I used to be. I knew that. Why else would he call, and want it all kept a secret? If he truly wanted to hang out with an old friend, he would have said so, or mentioned, I don't know, meeting Boyfriend perhaps? And he doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell with me anyway. He had his chance years ago, and chose to fuck it all up. This happens to me once in a while. An old boyfriend will magically reappear in my life and tell me how much he misses me or that he'd really like to "get together" sometime. Right. Shoulda thought about that before, bucko. I am not a very forgiving person.

At this point I realized that He may genuinely be worried about my interest this guy. He has no idea who he is. And I guess I did seem rather giddy about the phone call. That was because I was shocked and amused by the absurdity of it. Not because I was glad that he called.

"You know, you don't need to worry about this guy."

"I know. And you aren't allowed to go to lunch with him."

"I wasn't going to anyway. The thought never crossed my mind that it would be acceptable for me to meet him for lunch. " Plus, I wouldn't be comfortable with him going to lunch with an old girlfriend, and hoped if that tables ever turned he would remember this. And I didn't want to to anyway.

"I know. So call this guy and tell him to meet you at *Our Favorite Bar*. I would like to see the creep."

"Well, I really don't want to lead him on. Let's just see if he shows up."

I really don't want to call this guy. I don't want to give him the impression that I would be interested.

But I will be watching for him Saturday night, out of curiousity, to see if he does show up. I would enjoy watching his squirm in front of Boyfriend and all of our male friends. He probably won't show.

Damn. That could have been entertaining.


Post a Comment

<< Home