Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Go away...

Today is one of those days where I feel very anxious. I know some of it has to do with work. We had a major server upgrade over the weekend and there are still issues to resolve. I got home from work yesterday feeling mentally drained. Most of how I feel has to do with my weekend.

My weekend wasn't very nice. Nothing worked out quite the way I wanted it to. I guess that happens sometimes. Stayed out too late on Friday, and didn't really have that much fun. I had to work some overtime Saturday. Saturday night *ahem* Sunday morning was the worst. Too bad for me to even go into detail about. Not yet anyway. Maybe in a while, after I forget some of the more horrible details. The ones that cause my heart to race even just thinking about it. The ones that made me stop and think that it wasn't really happening. Not to me. But it was, it did, and it's over now, but I can't stop thinking about it. Just like me to obsess over it.

Sunday was spent teary-eyed and apologizing to friends for my actions.

And then the what-ifs start. What if I hadn't done this? What if I had done that? What if that would have changed the whole outcome? What if something like this happens again?

I think it might help to tell the story. But I can't. I'm almost to embarrassed that something like this happened to me. My crazy life was supposed to be over. Smooth sailing from here on out. No more loss of control, no more feeling insane. No more of that surreal look the world takes on when these thing happen. How everything seems darker, farther away, and sounds are muffled, and friends seem like strangers. How I feel like I'm not really me.

It was all supposed to go away and never come back. I wanted to curl up and die. I had this horrible feeling inside of me because I didn't know what was going to happen, and all I could think of were the worst possible scenarios.

And I can't get over it. I can't make it go away. I can't stop remembering. I don't think I will ever tell the details. I just don't want to go back there.


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