Tuesday, September 14, 2004

I want to belong to Him.

Lately I have been craving the feeling of being controlled. For Boyfriend to take control of my life, and protect me. At first, this desire frightened me. I thought I should not want someone else to dominate me. That would mean I was weak. I don't think this is true anymore. I have always looked for acceptance from others, approval, direction, guidance. The problem was, I looked for it from everyone. It felt unsettling, so many people telling me what to do. I tried to break away from them. I quit asking for advice from some. I kept more things inside, trying to figure things out by myself. Yet I still felt I needed someone to direct me. Reassurance that the decisions I made were right. I don't think that is weak. I think knowing who you are as a person, and how you function the best is a sign of strength. This doesn't mean I couldn't get along on my own. I can. I have. I simply don't want to.

Part of this, I'm sure, comes from how controlling my mother was, and still tries to be, over me. I always felt protected, but as I got older, I felt uncomfortable. I wanted guidance in my life, but it felt wrong coming from her after I became an adult. She made me feel childlike when I talked to her. She still does. I don't like that feeling. I have begun to distance myself from her. I still love her as my mother. I just don't want her controlling my thoughts anymore. I have confided in Boyfriend about this, and how she makes me feel. And he has always given me good advice on how to handle her. At first, it was hard to listen to him. It felt wrong to trust someone outside of my family about issues within the family. I soon realized that his point of view was more rational about this sort of thing, as he was not
directly affected by it. There are still some things I can't say to her, even though he has advised it and I know that he is right. I am still learning. I am becoming more comfortable following his direction. It is comforting to me. I feel safe.

I feel happy when he asks me to do something, and I do so and he is pleased. I have always tried to please others. It brings me pleasure. I do not like when I don't do something to his satisfaction. I feel I have failed. My first reaction was always to get defensive in those situations. Which would cause an argument. I realize now though, that with most of the things he did/does not like, he is correct. For
example, I am a lazy housekeeper. I don't like to clean after working all day. But that isn't right. Everyone has to do it. I should not be any different. The same for cooking dinner. It isn't healthy to eat out all of the time. Or to constantly prepare frozen dinners. I am trying to learn to not be so lazy. And I find that I do have a sense of accomplishment after I have done something, even something as simple as putting away laundry or sweeping the floor. Silly, perhaps, but I do.

Yesterday and Friday I was off work. I loved it. I found myself pretending that I didn't have to go back to work. That all I had to do was run errands, do housework and yardwork and plan for dinner for the week. I was able to do things that needed to be done, but without a set schedule. It felt so freeing. I actually enjoyed thinking about what to make for dinner while getting groceries. I enjoyed mowing the lawn. I didn't feel like I needed to rush around to get it done. I was so happy. If I would have had time, I would have washed my Jeep, and trimmed the shrubs and planted my mums. We had to leave shortly after he got home from work, so I didn't. I suppose I need to find a way to bring those feelings out during the work week. I spend so much time stressing about work. I have nightmares on Sunday nights about work. My back is tense between my shoulders every day by 11:00. That is one area that I definitely need to improve. I have to learn that I will never be able to just stay home. Perhaps he can help me with that too? That will be tough. If only I could do something different. I think I would be happy again for a while. I wonder if this feeling would return again after a few years of trying something new? I used to like where I worked. But it is a lot different now. We have more employees, my position has changed drastically from what it was when I started, we are now owned by a huge national company. That just isn't me. Maybe now I just have too much responsibility? Too much to handle? Too much to control?

The control I desire carries over to sexual control. I think that is the part I enjoy the most. I definitely used to have issues about sex. Sometimes I still do. Probably because of bad experiences in past relationships. I never would initiate a sexual encounter in the past. I hated having someone's penis in my mouth, or having to pleasure them with a hand job. I hated oral sex completely, as a matter of fact. But now, I find that I am changing. I know now that it had a lot to do with the way I was being treated. I desire things with him that I never dreamed I would. I love to hear him tell me to suck his dick. I love when he pushes me down on my knees and grabs a handful of my hair and forces his cock into my mouth. I love when he picks out my clothes for me and instructs me to not wear panties. I love when we are sitting on the couch, and we kiss and he rapes my mouth with his tongue. I love when he tells me to stand up, pulls my pants down or my skirt up, bends me over and fucks me from behind. It is almost as if I have the control then, he wants me so badly that he just has to have me right then and there. I love how he rarely allows me to go without at least one orgasm. I love the things he sometimes says when I am on top of him, fucking him - that I am His slut, His bitch, His baby. It is so exciting to me. I feel desired, wanted, loved.

I know it may be upsetting to some that I feel this way. I don't I care. This is how I feel, and it feels good. I want him to take control of me. I want people to know that he is in charge of me. I want them to know that they can't do anything to hurt me because he is going to protect me. I want to feel safe. Protected. Loved. Needed. Wanted. Desired. I want strange men to know that they can't come up to me anymore and say whatever crass thing they want, because he will be there to stop them. To protect me. I want to feel like he owns me.

That I am His.


Blogger Vadergrrrl said...

Ya know, its funny. As head strong and feminist as i am, i like to be controlled too. Too an extent.

Im kinda a beta/sub that way.

great blog here.

4:14 PM  

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