Wednesday, September 08, 2004


Boyfriend worked late last night. He called me at home to see what I was doing. Besides pouting to myself because he was still working and we were supposed to spend the evening at home getting naked? He told me to go write something sexy in my blog. I just wasn't inspired. Sometimes I will type up a whole entry and then delete it because I am afraid to put it in there. I don't know why. I do know two people who read my blog (Boyfriend and another friend), and perhaps I still feel I have to guard myself. But Boyfriend says he wants to know everything about me, so I guess it is a good way to express myself. I also know that my writing skills aren't the greatest. That makes me worry about what people think. Sometimes my brain goes to fast, and I skip over details. I feel a need to rush and get it done. I shouldn't do that.

Today is cool and gloomy and rainy. But it is somehow comforting to me. I can't see outside all day because I work in a horrible Jewish dungeon, but when I get up and walk up front, I can see the dark, dark clouds. If it is going to rain all day, I prefer it to look that way. Threatening. I enjoy storms. I enjoy seeing lightning and hearing thunder. I enjoy hearing wind tearing through the trees. So long as the wind doesn't knock down the trees around the house.

Saturday it rained. We were very tired from a late night out on Friday. He pulled the futon out in front of the TV so we could lie down and watch the game and take a nap. He leaned in and kissed me. His lips are so nice. Lovely to kiss. I love the way he sneaks his to tongue into my mouth. Gentle, then hard. He stopped kissing me and instructed me to go get a towel (it was at the tail-end of my period) and remove my clothing. I did so. I was very hungry for a good fucking. We have sex during my period, but it is messy and I can't fully relax. I worry about it too much. Having sex in front of the TV, on a futon, in the middle of a rainy Saturday afternoon is very enjoyable. It almost feels wrong. I should have been up vacuuming or doing laundry or cleaning the bathtub, and there I was, on my back, legs in the air, getting fucked. Then on top, fucking him. Sweet release. I was on my back again, until he finally came. Then we napped on the futon. It was very nice.

I woke up and crawled up on top of him again. He was still sleeping. I rubbed my small, perky breasts on his back and kissed the back of his neck and his ear. I wondered if he likes that as much as I do. He started to stir, I kept kissing and nuzzling. Soon he was awake. He lifted me up and turned over. I sat on top of him, riding him for a while. I asked him to sit on the couch. That is one of my favortie positions, for my enjoyment anyway. It's comfortable, everything gets touched in the right places, and he can put his arms around me. I also can get a good hold on the railing behind the couch. Makes for really good leverage.

Soon it was time to put our lazy, sexy afternoon away. His weekend for the children. We hopped in the shower and he left to get them. I spent the rest of the weekend feeling cast-off, rejected, second-best. That is so wrong of me. I felt displaced for some reason. Like I didn't belong. I'm sure it's all in my head. I need to learn to not think that way. I just feel not-so-special sometimes.

I need to feel special.

I crave it.


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