Thursday, August 12, 2004

Keep it inside...

Sometimes it is hard to keep my big dumb mouth shut. And what's worse, is that a lot of the times, I have to let some smart-ass comment come flying out because I can't open up and explain my thoughts and feelings properly. So I open my mouth and then close up again. Not bothering to explain myself, because I can't. I can't get the words out. I'm so afraid of rejection and failure that I say these stupid things and then realize what I've done and try to ignore it and pretend I never said it. Digging myself into a hole, that's all I'm doing. If I could just not say anything I would be so much better off. So would the rest of the world around me. I was doing so good at it too, and then all of a sudden it just exploded.

"What did you say?"


Oh no. With him there IS no "nevermind." It's all about discussion then, baby. Which is supposed to be good. But I'm so used to being wrong. My opinions were always wrong, my feelings were always wrong, my thought process was REALLY wrong. He hasn't told me that yet. But what if I start opening up? What if I start saying what's really on my mind? Will I be wrong again like I always was before? Or is someone actually going to accept the way I am and the way I think and be willing to compromise?


It has been so long since I have been around someone who knew what that meant. As a matter of fact, I don't think I ever was.

Until now?


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