Wednesday, February 15, 2006

It's not going to be easy...

Last night something happened that scared me. Along with something else that I learned today.

I probably overreacted to the exact situation, however, I honestly do have a legitimate reason for concern.

So I have visted Quitnet.

I am going to try to quit by my birthday. It's my 30th. Seems like just as good a time as any. I know better than to try to go cold turkey. They recommended a quit date. That is what I am going to try.

It is not going to be easy. I am not likely to get support from R. He enjoys smoking. What scared me has everything to do with Him. It is a horrible feeling. Gut-wrenching for someone like me, who has a hard time pretending "it's all gonna be ok." However, I know I cannot control His actions or demand that He change.

I can hope. And I can try to change me.

Like I said, it won't be easy.

I may fail.

I may die trying.


But I have to try.

If I get a terminal illness, I want to know that I did what I could to prevent it from happening.

I can't just pretend these things don't happen. They do.

I don't want to have to feel that something I did caused someone else pain or grief.

Someone I know just lost their husband due to a similar problem. He was only 61. I am friends with her daughter. Her daughter is worried about her. She knows how lonely her mother will be without him. How terribly sad and lonely she will be...

I can imagine how sad she must feel. Scared and alone.

I don't ever want to feel like that.

I don't think I have a choice.


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