Monday, September 26, 2005

Dark and Gray....

They sky is a dark gray today. Sometimes this weather makes me feel tired and sad, but today it is comforting. I'm not sure why. Perhaps because it is still warm. It should be upsetting me. The rain has been frequent lately. It is dark and gloomy more than it is bright and sunny. Soon it will be cooling off, then winter will arrive and work will slow. I have already started to worry about that, even though R tells me not to worry and that everything will be ok. I want to believe Him. And, I do believe Him, when He pulls me into His lap and strokes my hair and whispers that everything will be fine. But when I am by myself, driving or at work, in the silence, thinking too much, I start to worry again. What good does worrying do? None. What good does crying do? None.

But sometimes, I just can't help it.

This is not how I want to be. I don't want to worry. I don't want to be sad. Or scared. It makes my head and neck hurt. It makes me tired. I want to be happy go lucky. I want to smile more. I want everything to be just right. I want good luck. I want to be able to wake up and not think about anything bad. I want to look forward to the holidays.

Maybe next year.


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