Thursday, December 30, 2004

A rambling post.

Oh, it must be time for me to enter my post-holiday funk. It's cold and gray, the pretty decorations will all be gone soon, and we will be left with a muddy slushy mess as temperatures near 50. At least the temperatures are nice.

I need to get the decorations down, and separate what there is to get rid of and what to keep. I didn't use at least half of my decorations this year, and I didn't miss them either. There is so much other stuff in the basement I need to go through and get rid of too. I'd like to have a garage sale in the spring, but knowing me, I'll just end up toting it all off to Goodwill.

The house is a mess too. Luckily I am off tomorrow, and I plan on forcing myself to clean and organize a bit. I really lack ambition for those kinds of things. R was called back to work this week, so hopefully I will get some of it done while He is out of the house tomorrow.

Right now I just want to be coddled and held and stroked and caressed. I feel...different somehow? There is nothing I am trying to ignore this time, no bad feelings in the pit of my stomach, and it feels weird. Truthfully, the love I feel for R is so much different than anything I have ever felt before, it is almost unreal. The comfort I feel when he wraps me in his arms is unreal. The fact that I am so happy in my heart now, all the time, even when I am complaining about work and worrying about money, is unreal.

But I guess it is real. And I didn't have that before Him. That must be why it feels different. And now it is so much more final. He has asked me to be His wife, and to spend the rest of my life with Him, and that just fills me with so much emotion I cry if I think about it too long. I am finally going to have a chance to be happy. As His wife. Forever.

To be His and only His, to honor and obey. To take His name. I remember how I used to choke on the word obey. Now I want to obey. I want to be His good girl. I want to be His slut. And I want Him to make me feel safe and sheltered from the world.

I just want to be His.



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