Things I would buy myself if I had money.

I'm not even going to try to justify this list like I do everything else by explaining why I want these things.

1. Two flat screen 19" Dell monitors and a Matrox dual head video card.

2. DVD writer.

3. 2005 Harley Davidson Sportster 1200 Custom See it here

4. Platinum ring.

5. Jeep accessories. Lots of 'em.

6. Boobs. Maybe.

7. Hot tub.

8. A house on the ocean.

9. A really really big TV.

10. A dog sitter.

11. That leather jacket I saw with the purple rose and fringe on it.

12. One of those sex swings that hangs from the ceiling.

Sweet Anticipation

Saturday. 12PM. Left for a relatives birthday party. Yawn. I was hoping my brother was going to be there, as least that's someone to converse with.

1PM. Call came in from boyfriend. He was done working was going to the local bar with some fellow construction workers for lunch. Told me to stop in if his truck was still there when I left the party.

2 PM. Finally broke free from the party. Headed to the bar. He was sitting with his back to the door at the corner of the bar. Work boots, dirty jeans, t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. Damn, there is just something HOT about a dirty construction worker. I felt moisture in my panties.

The boys turned around and asked for a flash. I glanced around the bar. Two guys were at the end of the bar that I didn't know. They weren't paying attention. Bartender was in the back. *Flash*. I got big smiles from the boys.

So we sat around, talking, laughing, flirting. Those boys should feel very fortunate that they can say the things they do and not offend me. In fact I usually join right in the conversation. I even overheard one of them tell my boyfriend that I was pretty cool. I think that was after the "porno mags - Hustler - you got him that for christmas?" conversation. Yes. That's right. I can be very cool. And don't you ever forget it. Because I can be a bitch too.

Well, forget about the grocery shopping. That didn't happen. We did discuss going home for some sex before I went out for the evening, but the next thing I knew it was 6 o,clock. It was almost time to meet T and the rest of the girls.

Boyfriend left, I stayed. T showed up. J was supposed to be coming too. NY showed up, T's boyfriend. Wanted to know if it was ok if he hung out with us for the night. What the hell. The more the merrier. We hung around there for a little while longer. J showed up and then C called and wanted to go too, since her boyfriend was bartending that night. So we all headed down to a new bar that just opened up. Nice atmosphere, but not our kind of place. J and C chatted, and NY and T talked/argued. For once I was the odd person out. 3 guys behind us started talking to me. T must have sensed my discomfort and joined in the conversation. We hung out there for two drinks then headed back to our safe zone.

We got back and TWG was there. The girls went down to flirt with the 3 guys that followed us back from the previous bar. T came down and asked if I would let them do a belly shot. Um, no. Especially not with boyfriend around. So I sat and talked to TWG for a while. He is getting ready to move to Florida. His wife got transferred. I can tell he doesn't want to go.

It wass getting later, but they all still wanted to party. They decided they were going to go down the road to another pub. KT was there, so they wanted to meet up with her. I have fun with all these people, but I feel weird being out without boyfriend. While they were in the midst of hiding J's keys from her so she wouldn't drive, I left and headed home.


FAST FORWARD

I got home from the bar a little past 1AM. Boyfriend was still up watching the race (That DVR is the coolest thing since sliced bread). I sat down on the couch. One kid was in bed, one was still glued to the computer (should she really be up that late - on the computer?). I was happily buzzed. Anticipating sex all evening. Boyfriend asked me to put on my little blue nightgown. I'd be more comfortable, he said. Um-hmm. He just wanted easier access. So I changed, grabbed the blanket off the chair to cover myself up with should any children decide to come out, and sat back down on the couch. I glanced over at boyfriend. Apparantly he had been anticipating a little action as well. I reached over and pulled his shorts down just a bit, straddling him with my back to him. I sat down on his hard member. God, did that feel good. I slid up and down a few times, grinding in a circular motion. Then I climbed off and sat back down on the couch. He looked over at me and grinned. Oh yes, let the games begin.

He rested his hand on my thigh, then moved it closer to my wetness and began to tease me. I sucked on his dick for a little bit. He tasted so good. Fresh, I could smell a hint of soap from his shower earlier that evening. I wish I could have been in that shower with him.

This went on for a while, the starting and stopping, teasing and exciting each other. At one point, I couldn't take it anymore. I had to have him inside of me again. I asked him to come into the bathroom with me. We walked in, and shut the door. I bent over in front of the sink. He lifted my nightgown and entered me quickly from behind. I tried not to gasp too loudly with pleasure. He feels so good inside me. He stopped, lowered the lid on the toilet and sat down. I sat on top of him. I was near climax, but not quite. Too much alcohol earlier in the evening would not allow me more than one. I'm wasn't worried. I knew I would. I told him I wanted him on top of me. He put me on the floor and began to slowly enter me. Soon he was rapidly and forcefully thrusting. The excitement was almost unbearable. I wanted to scream. Then he stopped. My eyes widened in shock. He stood up, and reached for my hand. This is fun, he said. Too much fun for it to end now. I got up on my knees, and took his hard cock into my mouth once more. Seconds later I stopped. He is right.

We went back out and sat on the couch, more touching and teasing. Brief penetration. Unfortunately though, it was getting late. I was sleepy from the long day of drinking. Leave it to me to fall asleep in the middle of that. A little while later, he woke me up. Let's go to the bedroom, he said. We walked down the hallway to the bedroom. He turned on the TV for a little white noise. There are children in the house, after all. We had passionate sex. Almost as good as the make up sex we had the night before. I finally reached orgasm. That has got to be the best feeling in the world. He turned me over pumping and thrusting until he finally explodes. I looked over at the clock. It was 5 AM. Time to go to sleep, feeling fully satisfied.

Maybe I should go out with the girls more often.

Anticipation can be a wonderful thing.

Wounded Heart

She lies down on the bed. She can hear the ceiling fan as it spins above. Tears are flowing endlessly from her sad eyes. Her heart pounds fast in her chest. A feeling of panic sets in. It is getting hard to breathe. She closes her eyes. This isn't real, she thinks, desperately. It is just a bad dream, and as soon she wakes up he will be there with her, his strong arms around her. She opens her eyes. Panic flows through her body once more. How could he just turn and walk away? Is he going to come back? Will it ever be the same as it was? She wipes the tears from her flushed cheeks, willing herself to stop crying. She is alone again. Even though he promised. Why did she allow herself to trust again? She swore the last time that she wouldn't let herself fall into that trap with anybody else, ever again. Yet somehow, he managed to break through her wall. He managed to win her trust. But now, it is shattered.

She has been abandoned.

Her biggest fear has come to life once more.

And the feeling is here again.

I am having one of those days where everything seems wrong. Everything is getting on my nerves. And I'm just waiting for the world to crash down on me.

My office mate is behind me slurping and chomping, destroying his apple. It's really getting on my nerves. I'd like to jump up and rip the apple from his hand and heave it out the back door into the woods. But that wouldn't really be very nice. Plus, I know the whole reason it is upsetting me is because my mother slurps and chomps on her food like that and my mother really gets on my nerves.

Today is one of those days where the world and I would be better off if I just curled up in a dark corner somewhere and didn't come out until tomorrow.

I don't know exactly what is bothering me at this point. There are several things that I can think of, but when I think about them, I don't get that feeling of "Ah-Ha! That is it! I will now deal with this thought and push it out of my head!" I can't put my finger on just one thing. I hate that. Because when this happens I get this weird feeling of tension across my belly and lower back. Like someone is squeezing me. It is really quite uncomfortable.

I was hoping that writing about it might help me discover, and then lay to rest, whatever it is that is causing me to feel this way.

I'm not even inspired enough to keep writing about it.

I just feel sad.

White Trash Test

I AM 30% WHITE TRASH! The white trash in my blood will not keep me from becoming a doctor or a lawyer, but it will keep me from a good haircut and any sort of fashion sense. Take the WHITE TRASH test at Fuali.com

I'm not as trashy as I thought. I'm actually kind of surprised. I wonder if there is a redneck test. I think I fall more into that category.

There is a difference, you know.

Wanna go to lunch?

So how does one tactfully tell another person "No, I don't want to go to lunch with you, not today, not ever again"?

There is this girl I work with who, about once a week, asks me to go to lunch with her. When we worked in our old office, there were four of us that would often go to lunch together. This was back when I was still married, had no friends and thoroughly enjoyed their company, because I was so starved for converstaion.

One girl is 30 years old, never been married, or in a serious relationship with any man except for God. She is completely happy with her life the way it is and frowns on others who do not "see" things they way she does. She once told me, after a minor accident, that the reason it happened is because I don't believe in God and therefore have no guardian angels, and the devil was taking over my soul. The second is a serious bible-thumper too. She is younger, 25 I think, and completely naive when it comes to real life. The two were actually roommates for a while. She's never had a serious relationship either, expect for this guy she met on the internet in a Christian chat-room (so it must be safe right - I mean bad people would never pretend to be good in a Christian chat room). She was totally "in love" with this guy and was ready to pack up all she owned and move to Florida to be close to him. She giggles like a teenager over things that only teenagers would consider funny. I remember one time how appalled she was at an advertisement in a magazine. It was one of those "better sex" videos for couples. She couldn't believe that there was such a thing, and that it was being advertised in Glamour. The third girl is also about 25, married with child, and completely miserable. She has told me I don't know how many times, that if it wasn't for her son, she would leave her jerk husband. I told her to do it now before her son is old enough to really know the difference, having been through a divorce, and knowing that once those feelings are there, they ususally don't go away. She is very condescending towards me since my divorce, and refers to the time when I was married as "before I got mean". The truth is, I am just less tolerant of people that I don't like, and I let it show. I figure she may also be a little jealous at the happy life I have now. She liked me better when I was married and miserable like her.

So anyway, girl number one constantly asks me to lunch. I always have some excuse, errands to run, phone calls to make, something. The truth is, I want to sit and smoke and listen to the radio and read my magazines, whether they are Cosmo, Maxim, or Hustler. ( I steal the boyfriend's magazines when he is done. It is interesting reading magazines designed for the opposite sex to get an idea of how their minds work - or don't work.) I'm sure it hurts her feelings, but the truth is I really can't stand to be around her. Maybe if she wasn't so judgmental it would help. She keeps asking me when I am getting married, because she stand to think that I am "living in sin". As a matter of fact, so does girl-with-child. I don't know what the big deal is. Quit asking me. If it ever happens, I'll be sure to tell you - when I feel like it.

Since my divorce, I have found it is much better to keep your personal life personal while at work. Every one had advice for me during my divorce (which took much longer than it should have because he was such an asshole). They knew what was going on with the divorce, who was getting what, what we were arguing about. I like it much better now that people don't know so much about me. I'm willing to bet that there are still people here that don't know I moved in February, sold my house, live with boyfriend, or even HAVEa boyfriend. Which, off the subject is a word that really bugs me. It seems so juvenile. He's 40, for goodness sake. Is he really a boyfriend? Is there a better word? Partner? Lover? Soulmate? Old Man?

I'm getting away from my point. The point being that I don't want to go to lunch with this girl, I don't want to hurt her feelings, but don't know how to get that across.

Guess I'll just keep making up excuses. Today I'm getting groceries.

Love me, feel me, touch me

I've been feeling extremely needy lately. I have always been an insecure person, but lately it has been a daily, overwhelming feeling. And of course I am unable to express this verbally. I just sit, unhappy, and nobody understands what is happening inside of me. Because inside my head are all the things I am feeling. All the thoughts I want to express. And I can't make the words come.

I want so badly to feel passion, gentle hands on my bare skin, everywhere. Kisses on the back of my neck. Pressure on my body from my love on top of me. His strong arms around me, making me feel so safe. Feeling swallowed up in love, so much that all my worries and stresses seem to fall away, if only for a few moments. The joy of knowing I've pleased somebody and the selfish act of being pleased myself. The quiet happiness of sitting in silence, knowing the person you're sitting with is completely satisfied with you, as you are. Knowing that at that point in time, the rest of the world could come crashing down on top of you, and as long as you are with that person, everything will be fine. That feeling that you can't physically or emotionally get any closer to that person, but full of the desire to try. That sensation that almost makes you feel like you could explode. The fast heartbeat, the warmth, the excitement, the love and the lust.

Is that too much to ask?

I Never Said "I Told You So"

Boyfriend was bent on taking the bike out yesterday. We hadn't ridden since we got back from Indy, so I could undertand. He was outside washing the bike when I woke up bright and early at 11:00. (Did I ever mention I have a slight sleeping disorder? I could sleep my life away.) I stumbled outside in my robe after throwing in a load of laundry, and heard "...with a slight change of showers this afternoon..." on the radio in the garage.

Boyfriend says "Isn't it nice out? We're taking the bike out today."

"Um, ok, but didn't they just say a chance of rain this afternoon?"

"Only a slight chance of showers, it won't rain."

Famous last words. We took a shower and had a nice quickie and got ready to go. I grabbed my sweatshirt ("It's so nice out - why do you need that?") and suggested the rain gear, which he did decide to stash in the saddlebags.

So we ran out to my mom and dad's shop for a little bit. Little bit of sun, mostly not-very-nice-looking dark clouds. After we left, we were on our way into town to get a card and gift certificate for his dad's birthday (last week - talk about me forgetting stuff. Anyway.). After we turned off the highway, he debated about stopping to get our leathers because it was cool. I told him I had my sweatshirt and would be fine. He said he just wondered if he would get cold. (The same guy that asked why I was bringing my sweatshirt in the first place.) He decided against it. We made a pit stop at a local biker bar, and then headed for town. Still dark clouds, a little closer this time.

Made it to the store, picked up some pop, shampoo, and a card, strapped it to to the bike and headed to the restaurant for the gift certificate. Dark clouds, a little closer still. I went in to pee while he was getting the gift certificate, and came out to a beer setting on the bar for me. OK then. We sat and had a beer and off we headed to his dad's. Well, we made it out the front door. The not-very-nice-looking dark clouds were now directly overhead, and they were letting loose. We waited for a few minutes, debated eating at the restaurant, it let up, and he decided (after drying all the little waterspots off of his bike) to head for his dad's.

We made it about a 1/2 mile up the road when it started again. He turned around and pulled into a car dealership up under the over hang. "Now what to we do?" He asked.

Um, how about put on the rain gear.

Yeah. So we put on the jackets, and he called his dad to tell him we were stuck in town waiting for the rain to let up. His dad told him to not come over on the bike now, it was coming down in buckets at his house. So we waited again. It let up a little, and we (he) decided to head for home to get the truck. This time we made it a few more miles back the other way, when it started coming down again. We decided to stop and eat at this little mexican place, and it sprinkled while we were eating. Once we finished, it decided to downpour. We were waiting out side, and slowed a little he went to the bike to get the rain pants. At this point, I was laughing. He just kept asking "Now what do we do?" I'm sure he was just waiting for me to get mad.

So we're standing there outside the restaurant, under a small overhang, trying to get our rain pants over our boots and I'm just cracking up. It was comical. Two wet bikers trying to stay out of the rain putting on black rain pants in the front of the restaurant. He asked what I was laughing at. I guess it was a combination of me picturing what other people driving by were seeing and the fact that I'd had a few drinks, but it was just funny to me. I guess he thought I was laughing at him, but I wasn't, I was just laughing at the situation. Although he did look kind of silly trying to get those pants on over his boots, and after I got mine on he says "Oh, the legs unzip?"

We got all geared up and headed home. Of course, about halfway home, the sun came out and it was nice again. We never did leave to go back to his dad's. We started to watch the race that we had taped, and I fell asleep.

I'm serious about the whole sleep disorder thing. I must've only been awake for about 8 hours yesterday. How on earth could I have been tired???

Keep it inside...

Sometimes it is hard to keep my big dumb mouth shut. And what's worse, is that a lot of the times, I have to let some smart-ass comment come flying out because I can't open up and explain my thoughts and feelings properly. So I open my mouth and then close up again. Not bothering to explain myself, because I can't. I can't get the words out. I'm so afraid of rejection and failure that I say these stupid things and then realize what I've done and try to ignore it and pretend I never said it. Digging myself into a hole, that's all I'm doing. If I could just not say anything I would be so much better off. So would the rest of the world around me. I was doing so good at it too, and then all of a sudden it just exploded.

"What did you say?"

"Nevermind."

Oh no. With him there IS no "nevermind." It's all about discussion then, baby. Which is supposed to be good. But I'm so used to being wrong. My opinions were always wrong, my feelings were always wrong, my thought process was REALLY wrong. He hasn't told me that yet. But what if I start opening up? What if I start saying what's really on my mind? Will I be wrong again like I always was before? Or is someone actually going to accept the way I am and the way I think and be willing to compromise?

Compromise.

It has been so long since I have been around someone who knew what that meant. As a matter of fact, I don't think I ever was.

Until now?

Brickyard 400

It's almost time to go!

I'm so excited. I leave tomorrow for Indy. 258 miles on the back of a Fatboy. Actually, I'm sure it will be more than that once we get lost a few times. We're taking state routes instead of the Interstate, so it should be interesting. It will just be nice to get away for a while. The weather is supposed to be cooler than it's been, but that may be comfortable sitting in the stands. Last year I roasted. I kept taking ice from the beer cooler and holding it on my back and chest so it would melt and run down my shirt. (Much to my boyfriend's dismay, I did not have on a white shirt) I'm a puss when it comes to really hot weather. I never drink enough (well, enough water anyway) and then I get all lightheaded. And hopefully it won't rain tomorrow. We got rain gear, but I really don't want to have to use it!

I just wish our hotel had a pool. I would love to go swimming. Actually, after that much time on the back of a bike, a hot tub would probably be more suitable. I haven't been on a real vacation in so long where I've been able to swim. I miss it. I miss the beach, too. But boyfried says he's taking me to Cancun in March, so I guess I can wait that much longer.

Last year, Rusty Wallace finished 10th at the Brickyard. He was also doing better in points than he is this year. I'm kinda taking a liking to that young Kasey Kahne. Excellent driver for a rookie! I get a lot of flack for liking the Dodge drivers. But I've always been a Mopar girl. Ask my daddy. So it's great that I get to go with a Gordon and Earnhardt Jr. fan. Actually, it's no big deal, but they do like to tease me.

Anyway, I don't care. I'm going away for a few days and won't have to think about work or the housework or anything. I can use the break.

Bring on the Miller Lite!

What video game character am I?

I am Mario. I like to jump around, and would lead a fairly serene and aimless existence if it weren't for my friends always getting into trouble. I love to help out, even when it puts me at risk. I seem to make friends with people who just can't stay out of trouble. What Video Game Character Are You?

An example of poor customer service.

Everybody has days where they hate their jobs. I know I do. But I always try to not to take it out on the customer. It’s not their fault that you are unhappy. And chances are, a lot of them don’t like what they're doing either.

Today I went to the store to pick up the pictures I had developed. After standing at the counter for about 5 minutes watching the customer service boy scan in newly received pictures, another employee called his name. “Hey Dan, you have a customer here.” He turned around and stared for the few moments, then came over. The other employee said, “You just have to yell for him sometimes.” Ok right, because why should the person at the customer service counter have to actually pay attention to the customers? I handed the young man my ticket and told him my last name. He took the ticket, tossed some pictures up on the counter, rang up my tampons with the pictures and I was on my way.

Have a nice day too, buddy.

That should have been the end of it, and I never would have thought twice about his rudeness, or that maybe if he tried smiling once in a while, he might not be so angry. However, when I went to open the envelope to look at my pictures, I realized he had given me my mother’s pictures. (Note to self – move farther away from mom). So I went back in the store and set the pictures back up on the counter. He stared at me blankly, as if he didn’t quite know why someone would come in and give him pictures. I told him that he had given me my mother’s pictures, same last name, wrong first name. He asked for my ticket. I reminded him that he had taken it the first time I was there. So he went over to the drawer of pictures and couldn’t find them. He said they must not be in yet, and I should try back tomorrow. I asked him to look through the stack of pictures he was checking in, and he looked at about 3 of them and said they weren’t there. I asked him if I could return my mother’s pictures and he said, “Ummmmmmmmm, well, can’t you just keep them?” OK. I guess so. He said, “Well if it’s your mom, you can just give them to her”. Guess so. So I asked if I could have my ticket back. He asked “Did you give it to me?” Yes, when I picked up the WRONG pictures. “Did I throw it away?” I don’t know what he did with it. He reassured me that I didn’t need it and I should come back tomorrow.

So I left and called my mother to make sure she didn’t have my pictures. She didn’t. I told her I have hers. She has a tendency to get me fired up and told me that I should march back into the store and demand a refund and give the pictures back. Well, I didn’t do that because I was on lunch and due to be back to work in about 5 minutes. I did call the manager to let her know what happened, to find out exactly how long it should take to get the pictures and to make sure I didn’t need that little ticket. She put me on hold for a while and came back and said “Dan said you refused a refund, that’s why you still have your mother’s pictures, and he also said that you never gave him your ticket. Just try back tomorrow after 2:00 and see if they are here.”

So Dan is a little liar, and that pissed me off.

I got back to work, and my cell phone rang. “Ummmmm, this is Dan. Did I just sell you the wrong pictures?”

“Yes”

“Well, ummm, they’re here. You can come pick them up.”